Finding a Balance Between Selflessness and Selfishness in Motherhood

I was reading an article the other day and they described motherhood as “otherhood” and dang that really resonated with me.

How many of you have walked out the door with well-groomed, fed children, all set for the day but you can’t help to ask yourself: did I eat breakfast? Did I brush my hair? Did I even drink my morning cup of coffee?

Let me guess, we ALL can relate?! 

The day we become a mom is the day we put others before us. Life is no longer about ME but rather about THEM. And it becomes really easy to put ourselves last.

A mother’s selfless love… But let’s be real, how sustainable is SELFLESSNESS? I recognized very early on in motherhood that it is in fact NOT sustainable. When you’re dedicating your EVERYTHING to one tiny little human (or 4!!!), you become lost. Resentful. Disconnected. 

Is that how motherhood is supposed to be? No. Nor is that healthy for you OR your children.

ASK YOURSELF, WHAT FILLS MY CUP?

And I’m not talking about the cup of coffee you pour every morning that sits on the counter, ultimately becoming a mid-day iced coffee. (Full-disclosure: I switched over to strictly iced coffee years ago when I gave up on trying to drink anything hot!)  I’m talking about that proverbial cup of joy. Before you can start your self-care routine, you must ask yourself, WHAT BRINGS ME JOY? Maybe you don’t even know anymore and that’s ok. You are not the same girl you were before kids. And so while maybe you enjoyed an hour long spin class at 5:30am before you had kids, it doesn't mean you will enjoy that now! 

So take some time to recognize what YOU need RIGHT now : Self-care doesn’t necessarily mean a week-long vacation in a tropical destination (even though that sounds AMAZING!) Self-care should be something that you incorporate into your daily routine. Something that is going to bring you joy EVERY. DAMN. DAY. 

And the answer is most definitely not linear… For some, it's a night out with friends, for others it could be a daily workout. Another thing to note is our joys definitely change with our seasons. What I did for self care when my kids were babies looks way different than it does today. But whatever it may be, one thing is certain for almost all of us, our time is LIMITED. So really ask yourself,  what is going to fill my cup right now? 

FIND THE TIME

Easier said than done? Yes. But now that you’ve recognized WHAT it is you need, the question now is HOW are you going to make it happen? Recognizing your needs is the easy part… But with the busyness of our day to day life, actually doing the things is really freakin’ difficult. 

You’ve got to get creative. Maybe what’s missing is quiet time? Wake up 30 minutes earlier and enjoy a cup of coffee in silence.  Missing your gym membership but can’t fit in a gym workout to save your soul? Find a virtual class that you can participate in a few times a week. Wanting to be creative? Designate a period of time everyday to make something you love. 

Personally, I LOVE to craft, crochet, cross stitch, make dance costumes, and rhinestone clothing! These are my joys. The other weekend I had a crazy hectic 3 days packed full of kids activities. Come Sunday night, I was physically and emotionally drained, with a list of things to do around the house. But did I do them? No. I sat down and crossed stitched for 30 minutes AND FILLED MY CUP.  It was honestly exactly what I needed after a busy weekend of mom life! 

Another thing, I love doing my nails! While regular nail salon appointments may be a thing of the past, I now have manicure nights where I stay up after the kids go to bed, put on a show like Farmer Wants a Wife and do my press-ons! A big bucket filler for me.

And ladies, self-care doesn’t only have to happen when you aren’t around your kids.  Is it more enjoyable? Heck yes! But in reality, when you’re the main caregiver, getting time to yourself is near impossible… BUT kids adapt, especially to routines. Explain to them that at this time every day mom is going to do xyz and they need to play by themselves. Or make it a downtime for them and put on their favorite show while you read a book in the next room or call your bestie on the phone for a chat.Or even incorporate them into the activity. My husband and I couldn’t ever find the time to workout, so now we do it WITH our kids!  Do whatever it is you need to do to bring yourself some joy! 

In the beginning it might be a bit rocky, but once the routine is in place, your kids will recognize that this is mom’s time to do her thing and they need to entertain themselves. It is not our job to entertain our kids 24/7. They need to learn to be creative and entertain themselves. Trust me, they can do it!

THERE’S NO ROOM FOR MOM GUILT

And the most important part of all… NO MOM GUILT. Mom guilt is REAL (and it’s a real bitch!). But when it comes to getting a little selfish, there’s no room for it, because I guarantee after 30 minutes of doing something you love, you will most likely find yourself being… A BETTER MOM!  It can bring you calm, excitement, and give you that little sparkle that maybe you haven’t experienced since before children.  

What happens if we DON’T get a little selfish? 

We get bitter. And resentful. And unhappy.No thanks! I would way rather take 30 minutes to myself every day than feel all of those negative emotions. Just remember, you can’t serve from an empty cup. So take the time, fill your cup, and start to feel the difference in your day-to-day life.